While I continue working on new material for the blog, here’s an old gem from the long-defunct BillyBoloby.com that I found using the Wayback Machine (Internet Archive). You can read the details of this particular show in “I, Boloby.”
Gary tried to secede from the band on the Fourth of July. Very tactless, I know. Unfortunately for Gary, while his petition had the full endorsement of the other band members (OK, so he only got my signature after signing the document with my severed right hand [don’t worry; it’s been re-attached]), he was unable to obtain the signature of a single senator. So he’s stuck with us, and us with him. Though, the fine print suggests that it would have been a bum deal for everyone:
Declaration of Independence From You Assholes
AS DRAFTED BY GARY HARRIS/VOLTAR
July 4, 2004
When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the rock bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the music, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of the drummer requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident:
That Gary Harris and Voltar are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with absolute supremacy over every other being in the Solar System; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of World Domination; that, to secure these rights, new bands are instituted among band members, deriving their just powers from the consent of the drummer; that whenever any form of band becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the drummer to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new band, laying its foundation on such principles, and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their ability to rock. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that bands long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. The history of the present Band of Billy Boloby is a history of repeated lameness and oppression, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over the drummer. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.
He has refused to credit Harris with authorship of the band’s many songs, for which he is 150 percent responsible.
He has forbidden Voltar to use sorcery to increase his odds at the race track.
He has called together legislative bodies at places unusually uncomfortable, such as truckstop restrooms off the Turnpike.
He has refused payment of the monies owed to Harris for the many hit songs he wrote, like “Back in My Arms” and “Little Latin Lupe Lu.”
He has refused to pass other laws allowing for me to raise the dead for the purpose of finding Bobby Steele a permanent backup band.
He still owes Harris a BJ.
And Voltar, too.
Hell, he owes lots of BJs.
We, therefore, the representatives of like, Total Greatness, dude, in General Congress assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name and by the authority of the good people of these colonies solemnly publish and declare, That Gary and Voltar are, and of right ought to be, FREE AND INDEPENDENT BAND; that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British crown and that all political connection between them and the state of Billy Boloby is, and ought to be, totally dissolved; and that, as free and independent bands, they have full power to levy war, ignore peace, disrupt alliances, boycott commerce, and do all other acts and things which really evil guys like to do. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes, and a can of Spaghetti-Os.
[Signed by] BILLY BOLOBY [Chief Justice] ___________________
Gary Harris ______________________________________________
Marvin Holiday ___________________________________________
Herman Von Uberstein _____________________________________