Health Update: Gravity 1, Boloby 0

Just call me Lee Majors.

I remember being about 8 or 9 and laughing my ass off every time that Life Call commercials with an elderly woman crying out, “I’ve fallen — and I can’ t get up!” Now there’s Life Alert, which has commercials air several times a day. Only, I no longer laugh. It’s not because I’ve grown up and become a bastion of maturity; I’ll never let that happen. No. What’s harshing my humor is the realization that not only am I not a smart-assed young whippersnapper; I’m actually closer to being the old lady in the commercial.

I think my face was the first thing to hit the carpet.

I think my face was the first thing to hit the carpet.

Indeed, it finally happened just a couple of days ago: I fell, and I had a hard time getting up. It was about 4 a.m., and I had just woken up. Feeling a bit parched, I figured a kitchen trip was in order. But gravity had something else in mind, something along the lines of, “This guy needs to learn a lesson; I’ll give him a good thrashing.”

This would have been bad enough under ordinary circumstances — osteoporosis has done a number on my bones, so much so that I’ve had fractures occur without even knowing — but where’s the fun in that? I need a challenge. And, apparently, the universe seems to indicate that I need pain, frequent and always in a new form. Good thing the antibiotics I’d been taking for an arm infection weren’t working; otherwise, I might not have had a swollen elbow to land on.

Elbow-Infection 1-web

Typically, the swollen elbow is referred to as “swellbow.” However, I believe a better description in this case is “elboner.”

Now it’s off to the doctor to take another look at my elbow. I wish they would just drain it and get it over with. However, there seems to be some reluctance, like they’re playing hot potato with me, each hoping the other will take care of me. I’ll be happy so long as I don’t have to stay overnight in the hospital.

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